I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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