I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
