I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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