Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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