I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
