I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
