Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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