a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
