eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
