I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
