If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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