I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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