what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he was CRYING into my vagina
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
