I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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