She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
