So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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