mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
