just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
