I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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