is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
