I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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