I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
