I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
