I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
