I wish I could teleport
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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