see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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