i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
