Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
thus making me awesome and them whores
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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