someone threw a dead crab at me
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
