Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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