I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
my liver is dry heaving
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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