My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm getting married
To pizza
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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