i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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