you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
