i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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