Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Randomize
