I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
