My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
