She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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