Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
