you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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