he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
