You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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