if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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