In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i think my cat just said my name.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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