My Higher Power is John Stamos
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
