i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
