My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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