When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
