you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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