My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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