guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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