you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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