I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
