I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So much rum. So many feels.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
