vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Randomize