We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You made out with two different species that night
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
