you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
