If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
