Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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