I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
