the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
