if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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