I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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