she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
