My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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